I am (?)

“There is one within me who is more myself than myself” - Saint Augustine

The biggest fear today is discovering our own selves. The vulnerability that leads to the path of self-awareness and thereby, the feeling of being separate from the world and the consciousness of oneself can be a difficult journey.

It is no surprise then that the easier route is to hide. Responsibility avoidance is a large theme in the generation to which I belong. The genesis of such avoidance is the widespread acceptance of superficial veils to “fit in” while authenticity is often undermined and underappreciated.

The ease of responsibility avoidance is heightened by perpetual external validation which is built on social structures which don’t contribute to discovering oneself; instead, depend on standardized filters defined as acceptable constructs of existence. The ease of receiving such validation often lends itself to not seeking self-affirmation.

It is perhaps the lack of responsibility ownership that is leading to a world where not only do incentives not suffice, but disincentives don’t act as deterrents either. The effect of the carrot and the stick is ephemeral at best given the multiple alternate sources of endorsement which feels fulfilling when we need it. The resultant sense of “assurance” and entitlement that follows leads to furthering the distance of discovering one’s own deep-seated self.

It makes us non-committal and as the effect of the momentary joy fades, it gives rise to a sense of isolation from the world, thus, beckoning the question of one’s existence and purpose. But that was a road long forgotten and the numbing comfort of transferring the responsibility of defining this existence to the outside world begins yet again, never allowing us to get off the hamster wheel.

The inability to commit to places, to our work, to our people and to ourselves continues till one day, others stop carrying your load. And then begins the journey of awareness and living, allowing us to measure ourselves to our own best self and knowing what we are and aren’t capable of. The acceptance of what is not and the work that it entails starts off the long but enriching journey of wholeheartedly owning ourselves.